#RudeCelebSaturday

On an upcoming Saturday of twitter’s choosing we will all message all the celebrities on twitter with the following statement:

“Either you start following us back or we will stop following you #RudeCelebSaturday”

The above is only 57 characters, and so that will leave plenty of time for the @twittername of the celebrity in question.

We will start each tweet with a fullstop, so that the tweet can be seen by everyone. Therefore a #RudeCelebSaturday tweet should look like the following:

.@FamousPerson Either you start following us back or we will stop following you #RudeCelebSaturday

We will then do this every Saturday until celebrities on twitter either accept that the normal rules of their closeted lives don’t apply on twitter, or else fuck off onto Google+.

Celebrities on twitter will be required to follow a minimum of 500 non-famous people back. As soon as a twitter celebrity is following this number of people, they will cease to receive the above message from everyone on twitter every Saturday.

If any celebrity is seen not to be replying to the tweets of non-famous people who @reply them – at a rate of at least 10 replies a week – they will receive the following tweet:

"Reply to our tweets or we will cease to spend any money or time on your work #RudeCelebSaturday"

If a twitter celebrity doesn't start following people back they will receive the following tweet:

"Follow us back or we will cease to spend any money or time on your work #RudeCelebSaturday”

Get on it.

A non-work request for you to consider actioning in your own time.

Dear all,

A non-work request for you to consider actioning in your own time.

David Cameron – our Prime Minister (I can feel some of you grinding your teeth already) - has said that there is money to fund road schemes, which could be awarded in 2015.

Mr Cameron – who looks exactly like a handsome man with his face reflected in a spoon – has said that the allocation of funds will come down to who shouts the loudest.

The dualling of the A21 between Tonbridge and High Brooms was previously agreed, but shelved during a government spending review last year, as it was felt that the money could more be usefully allocated to bombing brown people in warm countries. Those of you who drive past Tonbridge to go to work will know this section of road very well, as it is the part where two carriageways filter down to one, the traffic from Tonbridge joins, and the whole road then winds single file uphill at 0.2 miles per hour behind a dustcart or a man towing a caravan and yelling at his children.

If this section of road were widened, it would make your journeys to work around 15 minutes briefer – possibly more. This part of the A21 is a notorious bottleneck, and the profile and winding nature of the road causes numerous accidents each year.

The local paper, The Courier, is running an on-line petition to collect views – with a view to possible road-building beginning in 2016.

I invite you all to contribute your views by either logging on to www.thisiskent.co.uk/a21for2016, or writing to the Courier at:

Courier House
80-84 Calverley Road
Tunbridge Wells
Kent
TN1 2UN

Go on, it’s just a bunch of trees and badgers and such, and I’d concrete over them for you.

Thank you

Kev

P.S. I am not responsible for significant increases in your journey time if they do dual the road and you end up being diverted via Crawley, or sitting in traffic-lighted traffic along the same stretch of the A21 and watching overweight, bare-chested workmen the colour of mahogany leaning on shovels and shouting at female motorists about breasts. - K